Comparisons: Why We All Do It — And How It Shapes Our Children More Than We Realise
We live in a world full of comparisons, don’t we?
Sometimes they help us find our direction, almost like an internal compass checking, “Am I on track?”
And sometimes… they can feel heavy, divisive, or quietly hurtful.
Comparison isn’t inherently bad. It can help us understand boundaries, find balance, and reflect on what feels true to our own emotional and moral compass. But when comparison is used unconsciously or without sensitivity, especially within families, it can leave lasting imprints.
And here’s the thing:
Comparisons begin far earlier than we realise.
Even from the womb, babies are measured against expected norms — growth charts, due dates, predicted sizes, comparisons to siblings or previous pregnancies. All this information is given to parents before the child ever arrives earthside.
And many children, even from a very young age, don’t like being compared.
They want to be themselves — not “like your sister,” or “as calm as your brother,” or “ahead of the milestone chart.”
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every child could grow without the pressure of comparison?
If only it were that simple.
In most families, comparisons slip in without intention:
The second child gets compared to the first
The third is compared to both
And parents compare their own experiences too — pregnancy, birth stories, early temperament, feeding, sleep
These differences become little narratives repeated over the years:
“Your brother was so easy.”
“You were my sensitive one.”
“Your sister walked early — you took your time.”
These comments seem harmless, even loving.
But they can quietly shape how a child sees themselves.
When children are exposed to comparisons that make them feel unsafe, unseen, or “not enough,” they may withdraw, disconnect, or suppress their emotions. It’s not defiance — it’s the nervous system protecting them.
Dissociation is a survival mechanism, not a flaw.
Many of these patterns are handed down through generations — not through intention, but through habit, culture, and unconscious bias. Families everywhere, across every background and identity, experience this in one form or another.
But there is hope here.
When a parent listens — truly listens — to their child expressing discomfort around comparisons, something magical happens:
✨ A doorway opens for generational healing.
✨ The child feels safe to express their inner world.
✨ The parent begins to understand how they were shaped by comparisons too.
This awareness helps adult children make sense of their own emotional landscape, allowing them to interrupt old patterns and raise their own babies with more compassion and attunement.
This is why understanding Baby Body Language matters so deeply.
When we read a baby’s early cues, when we honour their early imprints — the emotional and physical experiences from the womb to the first 1,000 days — we create a foundation where comparison gives way to connection.
And connection is what heals family discord, softens old wounds, and changes generational stories.
— Anne Matthews
Baby Body Language Expert & Reflective Parenting Coach
